Saw is a horror film from James Wan.  Two men are captured by a serial killer known for the interesting “situations” he places his victims into.

Total yawn-cliché-fest.  This was disappointing after so many people said it was a decent horror.  This movie was unbelievably full of itself.  What exactly was original here?  The way the murderer forces his victims hand into making a horrible decision was somewhat interesting and new, but that made up about 2% of the movie.  The other 98% was made up of gimmicky clichés, horrible acting, plot holes, and boredom.  This movie and its fans can’t get enough of its own flatulence.  Disgusting.

“I want to play a game.”

2/10

Body Snatchers is a B Horror/Thriller movie based on the 1955 novel by Jack Finney.  People are being cloned and then killed by aliens.

What the hell?  I was asking that question the entire time I watched this.  Every scene was out of control beginning in the outhouse.  This movie was so pathetic.  I am thankful it was only eighty minutes long, but even at that length I grew agitated.  It is the rare film that has nothing good whatsoever.  Not even the random nude scenes could drag this one out of the bottom of the barrel.  It was like watching something made for TV and then it is not even acceptable by those standards.  How brilliant was Forest Whitaker?  Why was he doing a crackhead the whole time?  Then an angry, but philosophical and argumentative, mob of aliens take him out as they enter stage left from out of nowhere.  I loved how the escapees returned to the base and blew it up with no resistance.  Oh and did you know where the safest place to go after you blow up a military base in broad daylight?  Atlanta.  Fascinating.  This piece was a mess and I hated it.

“No one like you is left.”

1/10

Zombieland is a comedy starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Abigail Breslin, and Emma Stone.  A zombie infestation occurs and a select few struggle to survive.

This movie started out pretty strong for me.  It felt like a fresh take on a classic story.  The filming seemed interesting and the story was quirky.  Unfortunately, the first fifteen minutes and the five minutes of Bill Murray were the only bits I liked.  It went from original to hackjob in about 3 seconds.  Jesse Eisenberg is one of my least favorite actors around.  In this movie, his Michael Cera wannabe shtick was terribly irritating.  I wish I had just turned it off after fifteen minutes.  Not enjoyable.

“Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on.”  That part had me laughing pretty well.

3/10

Nine Dead is a horror film starring Melissa Joan Hart.  People chained in a basement with a riddle.  Does that sound familiar?  Wasn’t this stupid the first time?

Awful.  This is a lousy Saw rip-off.  Saw was bad enough, but this was terrible.  Some of the worst acting I have ever seen.  It was all punctuated by there only being actors in an empty room.  If the actors are so relied upon, like they are here, why would anyone in their right mind employ this batch of hacks.  In particular, most of my disgust is directed at Melissa Joan Hart, whose wretched performance is etched into my brain.  The ending was absolutely nothing but stupid.  Exactly as expected from this piece of trash.  Hands down one of the worst movies I have ever spent an hour and a half of my life with.

“And now I’m here.  And I promise you, I promise you, I will live through this and I will survive at all, at all costs.”  This wasn’t a quote from the movie.  This is what I said into the bathroom mirror when I paused this thing and went for a tinkle.

1/10

The Abominable Snowman (1957)

Working in a remote village in the Himalayas, scientist John Rollason (Peter Cushing) and his wife Helen (Maureen Connell),  study rare mountain plants. But his real desire is to find the Yeti, his opportunity comes with the arrival of an American named Tom Friend (Forrest Tucker). Friend leads an expedition to find the elusive Yeti and enlists Rollason  to help over his wife’s objections. Friend’s  motives are questionable and it leads to problems on the mountain.

The movie’s special effects are not strong, as a mater of fact they are laughable at times, but the story is solid.  The film points out just what man should really fear and in this case it’s not the Yeti

“They are in danger, all of them, from their own actions.”

Enjoyed this film as a teen, but it’s not scary by today’s standards—-07/10

]]> http://damncool.com/2010/11/28/the-abominable-snowman-1957/feed/ 0 http://damncool.com/2010/11/17/13hrs-2010/ http://damncool.com/2010/11/17/13hrs-2010/#comments Wed, 17 Nov 2010 23:44:53 +0000 Mr Arn http://damncool.com/?p=1055 13Hrs  (2010) was made in the United Kingdom and was directed by Jonathan Glendening. It a low budget movie and from what I read– shot in 6 weeks.

13Hrs (2010)

Sarah Tyler (Isabella Calthorpe) returns home from America to visit her troubled family, something she has put off for some time. After greeting her father she heads to the barn to catch up with her brothers and old friends. Then for the rest of the movie we follow several drunk/stoned teenagers as they try and survive a monster, that attacks anything moving.

It not an original movie, but it does try to be in a couple spots. There’s blood and some gore, but not too much, however it does lack a nude scene. Like many of these movies, sometimes you end up cheering for the monster to hurry up and kill a couple of them.  Watched the whole movie and while I didn’t love, it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be.

“Well, well, well. The prodigal bitch returns”

If you like horror films where teens bumble around while getting killed-watch it—-04/10

]]> http://damncool.com/2010/11/17/13hrs-2010/feed/ 0 http://damncool.com/2010/11/03/willard-2003/ http://damncool.com/2010/11/03/willard-2003/#comments Wed, 03 Nov 2010 05:36:33 +0000 Ghost in a Red Giant http://damncool.com/?p=996

Willard is a horror movie about a man leading a pack of rats like the Pied Piper, but not.  It stars Crispin Glover.

What a horrible horror.  This movie was absolutely wretched.  The acting was awful.  The story and dialogue must have been written by a four year old.  I hated this movie.  It was so hilariously bad.  I am at a loss for words.

“He was the only friend I’ve ever had!”

1/10

The Shining is a Stanley Kubrick film starring Jack Nicholson that is based on a novel by Stephen King.  The film was nominated for a Golden Globe, an Academy Award, and a Golden Raspberry.  In the film, we are with a family in an empty haunted hotel that may have murderous power over the living.

This was not one I liked.  The sole purpose of this film is to scare the viewer.  It was somewhat suspenseful, but mostly silly.  The movie seems to be thrown together without any explanation of what is going on.  I was just constantly wondering how everything was tied together.  The scene where the son comes in looking for his toy and finds his father sitting on the bed is one of the most unintentionally awkward and goofy scenes I have witnessed.  Pretty dull and not very scary.  There were good parts, like the filming of the boy riding his bike around the immense hotel, and the ending was somewhat clever.  Just never got into it.

“Here’s Johnny!”

4/10

Interview with a vampire Stars Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Kirsten Dunst.  It was nominated for two Academy Awards.  The film is based on the 1976 novel by Anne Rice.

This movie missed the mark for me.  I expected something good as I like both Cruise and Pitt.  The story was not something I ever got into and the acting was pretty awkward.  It was hilarious how the antagonist could not be slain.  It just had too much of an amateurish feel for me.  The writing was meant to sound intelligent in its archaic form, but it just came off as stupid.  I expected more thrills and scares, but the pace was very slow with little suspense.

“A little child she was, but also a fierce killer, now capable of the ruthless pursuit of blood with all a child’s demanding.”

3/10

The Crazies was directed by Brent Eisner.  It is a remake of a 1973 film of the same name.

This movie was pretty standard horror.  Small town is swarmed by “zombies”.  The government is portrayed as bad guys just like the zombie fellows.  The only “good guys” are the group we follow through the film.  It was not a film I particularly liked.  I just don’t find zombie movies entertaining.  This movie was just like all the others and it was rather boring.  Too much screaming, lame monsters, and a weak ass plot.  There is nothing cool here in this routine horror.

“I’m not right, am I?”

3/10